Kicks and Stones

Ahead of America’s biggest soccer game in years, we pause to consider whether Christian Pulisic’s nether regions will be ready for the Netherlands. After scoring the goal that secured the team’s spot in the knockout round, Pulisic writhed in pain near the net. His collision with Iran’s goalie caused what was reported as an “abdominal injury,” though some viewed that diagnosis as something between euphemistic and complete bollocks, creating the gulf’s biggest ball story since Trump fondled the orb. But it turns out there taint no reason for concern. According to Pulisic, who wasn’t wearing an official World Cup cup, it’s all been an offsideshow and the nut jobs had it all wrong. He suffered a blow to the pelvis and “didn’t get hit in the balls.” America’s FIFAmily jewels aren’t junk. The midfielders did not take a penalty kick. No zingers to the wingers. No red cards—or nards. The sack is intact. Reports of involuntary dribbling were overblown. The center spot is game ready. Thankfully, the Iranian goalie did not bend it like Beckham. Soccer remains a game of two halves and both of Pulisic’s are expected to play on Saturday. (I tried moving this story down, but it remained undescended.)

+ Apologies for the sophomoric puns about balls. Let’s quickly segue to humps. AP: World Cup frenzy puts strain on Qatar’s camels.

+ NYT photos: Watching Qatar’s World Cup, Off the Field.

Copied to Clipboard