Turning a Prophet

In his first miracle, he turned 120 gallons of water into wine. He was also seen walking on the water of the Sea of Galilee. With this kind of mastery over liquid, it was only a matter of time before Jesus got into the beverage business. While he was early to the miracle market, Jesus is hardly the first well-known name to back an energy drink. Kim Kardashian, Logan Paul, The Rock, Alex Cooper, Lionel Messi, and many others are already preaching to the masses to swallow their functional beverage pitch. But it wasn’t until some entrepreneurs decided that he had a branding problem that Jesus’ image was slapped onto the side of a can of Berry Blessed Yahweh energy drink. You get all the biblical associations with none of the calories! The Guardian: What would Jesus drink? Welcome to the age of Christian energy beverages. “Another mega-celeb has entered the beverage game. Or rather, beverage companies have enlisted him in an effort to spread the good word about their product. Jesus, it turns out, has a branding problem – at least according to the makers of these drinks. Too many people simply haven’t heard the message. ‘God put it on our hearts to specifically preach the gospel through an energy drink,’ the creator of Yahweh says in an Instagram video defending the company against accusations that it exists mainly to turn a profit.” But wait, Moses walked through a parted Red Sea and got water from a stone more than a thousand years before Jesus was even born. Shouldn’t he be the first to market drinks? Yes. In a twist that gives new meaning to holy spirits, Moses Vodka has been around for years (although there’s some debate about whether or not it’s actually kosher to drink it). You gotta hand it to Moses for prophesying that, in the year of our Lord 2026, we’d need something stronger than water or wine.

+ Scheduling note: NextDraft will be off tomorrow. I need a few cans of Jesus and a few shots of Moses to recharge. See you back here on Monday.