Bottom of the News

“Do you eat enough protein in a day? Don’t even bother answering, because I know the answer is no. But don’t worry, I’m kind of a protein guy. I can give you all the guidance you need so you can stop being such a weak little bitch. I eat three hundred times my recommended daily allowance of protein. So as you can imagine, my life is perfect. I can crush a fifteen-gallon stainless-steel trash can with my thighs. I could lift your sofa above my head and throw it so far you’ll never see it again.” McSweeney’s: You Don’t Eat Enough Protein and It Sickens Me.

+ Defector: Are You Aware of the Alan Dershowitz Martha’s Vineyard Pierogi Situation? (It’s amazing that only the first story in this section is from a satirical site…)