Board Stiff

A confession: I am a SAWDAS. In layperson’s terms, that’s a Surf Addict Who Doesn’t Actually Surf. It’s one of the many activities in which I enjoy being an active non-participant. But I read the books, I watch the documentaries, I shop at the stores, and although I hate sand, I do enjoy visiting famous surf sites, especially those with an on-location taco truck. I am a full believer in Jeff Spicoli’s adage that, “Surfing’s not a sport, it’s a way of life, it’s no hobby. It’s a way of looking at that wave and saying, ‘Hey bud, let’s party!'” I do that all the time. I just party indoors. The only shoe brand I wear is called Olukai, a company most famous for making beach sandals (although I’ve never worn any of those). I never wear a bathing suit (or even shorts), and my Samoan family members are regularly embarrassed sitting next to me in jeans on the beach. For some reason, seeing grown men in flip-flops makes me angry. The only time I come close to hanging ten is if I’m making an inappropriate innuendo about my anatomy. But I love all kinds of waves. I am basically the Laird Hamilton of internet surfing. I recently switched from Spotify to Tidal, in part for the better sound quality, but mostly just because it felt more on brand. In my mind, Puka Shells are still in style. Like me, Kalani Lattanzi doesn’t ride a surfboard. Unlike me, he does surf waves, including some of the biggest in the world. But he does it on his body. At Jaws (which, for those of you who aren’t experts like me, is a really big ass wave), “when a 20-foot wave approached, he kicked his fins and swam ferociously to catch it. Without the support of a surfboard, Lattanzi tautened his body and extended his arms onto a handplane, a board about the size of a serving platter.” (I love watching this guy body surf from my couch while having a snack on a literal serving platter.) NYT (Gift Article): Riding the World’s Biggest Waves, Without a Surfboard.