Apologies in advance, but I really, really need to get this out. Maybe we owe Jeffrey a debt of gratitude for Toobin in public; after all, isn’t it nice to finally have a different dick in the news, another jerk to circle, a stump without a speech, another apprentice to fire, a tower not named Trump, an attempted rub-out not involving White Supremacists, a nonpolitical pole to analyze, and after six months, a reason to use wipes that doesn’t involve a deadly virus? Yes, by now you’ve heard that the legal analyst and cable news p(o)undit did not maintain proper social distancing between himself and his member (in fairness, the CDC only said not to touch your face). In short (nothing personal), Toobin dropped trou before dropping his Zoom connection, exposing his nub on the wrong hub, and there’s the rub. Thus, colleagues from WYNC and The New Yorker were treated to a gratis peep show as they prepped for election night—at least in this simulation, the results were not delayed. While one assumes there were very fine people on both sides, there’s still no word whether The New Yorker greeted Toobin’s staff meeting with Shouts or Murmurs; however it’s quite clear that this wasn’t what was meant when someone remarked, “We really need to pull it together.” In fairness, Toobin’s first error was one of split seconds, since, at any given moment during the quarantine—and this won’t come as much of a news bulletin—pretty much every middle aged American male is either on Zoom or working checkout at the Banana stand. (What, you thought we were spending the whole friggin pandemic learning to bake sourdough?) The second error was one of positioning. Everyone knows you stay seated when multitasking during a work call (or you can get yourself a standing desk). So while Toobin’s overly cocky timing and technique provided a teachable moment on how not to go full Divinyls, maybe we shouldn’t hold it against him. (Not that we should hold it for him either.) These days, any signs of unity are welcome, even if it’s just between a man and himself.

+ FastCo: I can’t believe we need to say this, but it’s never okay to masturbate during a work meeting. (This is exactly the kind of middle management mumbo-jumbo that made me decide to work alone…)